i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
