i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
