You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
