Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
