but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
