Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
