I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
