I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
