I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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