he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
