just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
