I cockslap morals
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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