Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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