So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
