I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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