Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
