Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
