Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
