I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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