Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
