this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
