did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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