I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
