They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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