My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
