she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
