guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
