mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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