so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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