just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
