the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
