my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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