Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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