Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
