no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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