this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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