yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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