I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
