thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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