i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
