My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
