your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
