so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
