Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
