just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
