When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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