if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
