Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
