Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
