He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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