god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
i think my cat just said my name.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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